Jun 23, 2021
I have been off grid for a bit. I truly haven't felt like writing or podcasting in weeks. My sister passed away from cancer in early April. She fought harder than I have seen anyone fight in my life. I miss her. I see her everywhere. she visits in various ways, it isn't enough and won't ever be. Life is just different now.
There is a giant hole in my heart that cannot be filled. The reason I am back here writing, and talking is because I remember the day I told her I was thinking about starting Marta on the Move. It didn't even have a name yet.
Her words were "Buckle your seat belt, because this is something you were meant to do, something that you won't quit, something that will help others." That is all she ever wanted to do as well. Nina just wanted to help others.
I have thought about quitting often these past eight months, more so the past two. I have felt hopeless, lost, lonely. Words were, and still are impossible to describe feelings of despair. Everything that comes with the grief of losing your best friend, your biggest supporter, the person you always ran to, and was there for you without judgement. It's a rare thing, and makes you realize what you had and lost.
Falling into despair is easy, crawling your way out is hard, but I just keep telling myself that she is here, watching me, urging me on. That I want to make her proud of me, which has always been my motivation. She would be pissed as hell if I quit, or let myself spiral. I can hear her in my head. "Get up, get moving, do what is hard."
The fact that one of my sayings is "Keep it moving, everybody" is funny to me now. I tell myself that everyday to get out of bed, take a shower, take care of myself as best I can. It resonates differently than it did before all of this.
It is impossible for me to write everything down that is going through my brain, but I needed to try. There has been a subject that has swam in my head since her passing. The word "Help" has been in my minds eye constantly. I will say that in the past couple of weeks I have received help, and support that I couldn't believe possible. I am humbled and eternally grateful, but there was a flip side to that as well.
The dictionary states "help" as-
to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist: He planned to help me with my work. Let me help you with those packages.
to save; rescue; succor: Help me, I'm falling!
to make easier or less difficult; contribute to; facilitate: The exercise of restraint is certain to help the achievement of peace."
These past weeks I have had SO many people ask me if I needed help. While I was thankful, I was overwhelmed at the same time. I didn't know HOW to let people help me. I didn't know how to articulate exactly how they might help, I also did NOT want to burden anyone, AND I didn't want to seem like I needed help. Loss of control is a big trigger for me that I am working on.
This is what this episode is about because I think it is important. There is a GREAT chasm in terms of communication about this subject. It makes people uncomfortable to ask for help, to reach out in a time of need for it. We just don't know how. We want to help our friends and loved ones when they need it. It makes us feel better to do so, but not knowing HOW makes us feel helpLESS. We don't know how to do it properly because the other person isn't articulating what they NEED.
In this episode I will try and offer my feelings on -
I will also offer up clear ideas on how to specifically offer help to grieving loved ones. I am in no way shape, or form an expert at this. This is just my experience talking, and others like me. I have received so much feedback from friends on Facebook, and coping with grief groups. For that I thank you tremendously and I will try and do right by all of you. :)
I am determined to tackle this subject, and while I know it will turn off some, or be sensitive to others, I feel it is very important moving forward in this world. Personally, I feel it will help me as well peek at some shadows in my closet I have been avoiding.
We are all suffering from grief and loss. Loss over the way we used to live, loss of a loved one, a job, a dream. We NEED to start communicating, rebuilding our relationships in a way that helps each other, and lifts one another up.
I refuse to live in a world without Nina that isn't trying to be better. We have one life, one shot, and that is so much more acute without her here. You wouldn't meet a better soul than her. I remember her saying when she got sick. "Please, God. If I can help someone else, that is all I ask."
This podcast moving forward will be in honor of "Neen". Because she did help someone, me. In her own amazing way of being her, she has sent me in a direction that is a tad more clear. To help others. Just typing this out is making me feel better, more motivated, giving me life... even if I am crying doing it.
That is why I won't give up MOTM, my crazy ideas, or my uncertain dreams. I am trying to sit in the messy phase of this and rediscover what fills my cup. I want to help people, just like she wanted to. We were going to write a book together, Neen. To help those who going through cancer, and also the support people along side them. So we shall. I promise.
I ask you who are reading this, if you just stumbled upon this journey, or have been in my jitney since it's inception: Be gentle. I am raw, but trying to heal. It is an ongoing process. It is my wish that if you are like me right now, you find some peace, some rays of sunshine, hope, and the support you need.
I also kindly ask that you take a moment to give help to someone who may need it, to reach out, AND that you will ask for it when YOU need it. Maybe this episode will allow you to do so, like it did me. We are ALL in this together.
I love you, sis.
PS~ Thank you to those who helped me work out the title of this episode, I could not for the life of me get it right. This is a blend of what other's suggested.
I HAVE NEW SPONSORS! YAY! I have been searching for a WHILE to find the right fit for a collaboration opportunity to be able to support some local businesses, and also help keep the lights on over at MOTM. I finally found them, and like most things in life, they came naturally just looking at products I use everyday. You can take 10% at either of these companies with code "Marta"
Matcha from Yang Yin Health